Parents have just finished a grueling spring as substitute teachers for their children during the pandemic. They now have a summer with those kids mostly stuck at home. Exhausted parents are now trying to make the most of school downtime and keep their own sanity.
Jessi Hoy of Normal is a teacher. She figured helping her 8-year-old daughter Virginia through virtual school work would be no problem.
“She doesn’t like the way I do it most of the time. She liked the way her teacher did it because she got in that rhythm,” Hoy said. “There’s a lot of pushback and a lot of, ‘I’m not doing this right now,’ and for me that is the most frustrating.”
Hoy tries to not take it personally.
“From what I know, children will misbehave 80% of the time for their mothers because they know they have unconditional love,” Hoy said. “So, I’m just telling myself this isn’t me as a teacher, it just is my daughter pushing back because she knows she can.”
Hoy said her 4-year-old son Daniel mostly takes instruction, but there's this issue of potty training.
“Things have changed a little bit in what we do, like he no longer goes to preschool, so he took a step back and said, ‘Now I’m not wiping my butt,’” Hoy said.
Despite challenges, Hoy said her children have handled the chaotic time better than she expected. How is she handling it?
“I eat a lot more,” Hoy joked. “There’s a bunch of memes about how many pounds people are gaining. I’ve definitely gained my 19 from the COVID-19.”
Hoy isn't alone. Many parents struggle with changes forced by stay-at-home orders. Single parents have it even harder.
Maureen Moloney of Normal works two nursing jobs. Moloney said she has managed with in-home day care and a housemate who can help watch her 9-year-old daughter, Ella.
“She’s been quite social at that and I’ve been a little bit more lax with screen time during this pandemic and lockdown because that’s the only way she’s really been able to socialize with her friends,” Moloney said.
Moloney credits her daughter's ability to cope to a third-grade teacher at Sugar Creek Elementary. She said there has been some pushback, but a lot of resiliency, too.
Now parents brace for a summer when their kids may have nowhere to go.
“This summer is not going to be as awesome as other summers,” said Rachel Carpenter of Normal, explaining the conversation she has had with her two young children, Henry and Alida. “This is a function of the situation. Regularly, they will independently say, 'This is really hard, it’s no fun and I’m bored.'"
The kids can't go to summer camp, for now at least, or even a public pool.
“It is going to be different. We are used to sending our kids from camp to camp or to spend time with grandma and grandpa, but that’s just not going to be an option this year,” Carpenter said. “And we’re not really comfortable sending our kids to a site where there are other children yet.”
Carpenter said her children are fairly independent. That helps. She said her family is lucky; both parents still have jobs and can work from home.
Laura Berk is an expert in developmental psychology. The retired Illinois State University scholar said economic stress can stunt a child's long-term cognitive and psychological development.
“We know that disorganized environments, we’re finding much more in families that are facing severe economic stresses, families that may not be able to afford that home payment anymore, may find that that they have to move,” Berk said.
She said it's critical that parents set a positive example, adding in times of stress, children take cues from their parents.
“Kids who have some of the most difficult temperaments benefit the most from this kind of effective parenting, but if the parent is explosive and impatient and dysregulated him or herself, that’s going to rub off on those children,” Berk said.
Stress might be unavoidable just now.
Hoy said she started teaching swim lessons when Heartland Community College dropped a French class she taught. Hoy hopes for a new teaching gig in the fall. She said they live on her husband's salary as a physical therapist.
“What if my husband does lose his job for any reason or gets his hours cut, what’s going to happen then?” Hoy asked. “As the person who does the budgets in our house, it’s somewhat nerve wracking because I’ve lived through losing a house before when I was growing up. We grew up very poor.”
As an essential worker, Moloney has another worry.
“There’s sometimes when I’ve been scared that I’m going to give the coronavirus to my family when I’ve been exposed to a patient,” Moloney said. “Everything (has) worked out fine, but you never know."
Even the present challenges offer room for children to grow. Berk said sometimes kids need space.
“You overstructure a child and impose too much on that child, the child doesn’t have that opportunity to develop those problem-solving and self-regulatory skills,” Berk said. “For some children, there can be some very positive consequences from a time like this.”
Some parents give children independence within a framework. Carpenter is the education manager at the Children's Discovery Museum in Normal. She assigns book reports to her kids.
“They have certain hours where they are supposed to work on their school stuff, where they are working on their chores, but within those, they have choices,” Carpenter explained. “I think it’s a balance of providing structure and choice which has really helped them be successful in this process.”
The pandemic also can test a child's ability to adapt. Hoy said that's where growth can happen. Her two kids have put a sibling rivalry aside.
“Fighting is not as (frequent). ‘I don’t want to play with you, you’re not my friend,’” Hoy recalled her kids saying. “It’s very much, ‘You are my friend, you are the only friend that I have so I am going to make this work and we are going to make up.’ I really love that aspect, their relationship could become more of a friendship.”
Moloney's daughter is an ice skater, but with no rink available, she gets exercise through figure skating club virtual meetings and roller-blading at an outdoor rink.
“It’s not the same as ice skating but at least some of the things actually mimic pretty well, jumps and spins,” Moloney said.
Moloney said the pandemic has helped teach her patience. She said she yells at her daughter a little less and takes some extra breaths, something all parents hope they can do this summer.
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