BILL KURTIS: From NPR and WBEZ Chicago, this is WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME, the NPR news quiz. When you want your flower pollinated, I'll be your bum-Bill-bee.
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KURTIS: I'm Bill Kurtis. And here is your host at the Chase Bank Auditorium in downtown Chicago, Peter Sagal.
PETER SAGAL, HOST:
Thank you, Bill.
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SAGAL: Thank you, everybody. Thank you all so much. We have a wonderful show for you today because later, we're going to be talking to Danica Patrick, the legendary racecar driver. She is the first woman to ever win an Indy car race, and now she is hosting a podcast. That means, according to the laws of fairness, that I am now the Indianapolis 500 champion.
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SAGAL: We want you to compete in our track, so give us a call. The number is 1-888-WAIT-WAIT - that's 1-888-924-8924. Let's welcome my first listener contestant.
Hi, you're on WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME.
MINA GUNN: Hi. This is Mina Gunn calling from the infamous Tallahassee trail in Tallahassee, Fla.
SAGAL: Hello, Mina. How are you? I am going to say that I pride myself on having heard of things, but I've never heard of the infamous Tallahassee trail. What is that?
GUNN: It's just something that Donald Trump references constantly and doesn't exist.
SAGAL: Oh, I see.
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SAGAL: That must be disorienting, then, for you to live on it.
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SAGAL: Well, welcome to the show, Mina. It is a pleasure to have you. Let me introduce you to our panel this week. First a contributor to "CBS Sunday Morning" - it's our friend Faith Salie.
FAITH SALIE: Hey, Mina.
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SAGAL: Next, a comedian performing at the Iao Theater in Wailuku, Maui, November 8 and 9, if you need an excuse to go, and at Zanies is here in Chicago November 14 through 17 - it's Helen Hong.
HELEN HONG: Hey. Hi, Mina.
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SAGAL: And finally, it's the humorist and wood butcher appearing at Comics on a Mission with WAIT WAIT's own Maeve Higgins November 16 at the Latchis Theatre in Brattleboro, Vt. It's Tom Bodett.
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TOM BODETT: Hello, Mina.
SAGAL: So, Mina, I'm going to guess you anticipated this, but you're going to play Who's Bill This Time. Bill Kurtis, of course, is going to recreate three voices from the week's news. Your job - explain or identify two of them. Do that, you win our prize - the voice of anyone you might like on your voicemail. You ready to go?
GUNN: Yeah.
SAGAL: All right. Your first quote is from someone who has spent the last week denying that he demanded other countries investigate the Biden family.
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KURTIS: China should start an investigation into the Bidens.
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SAGAL: So who kind of spilled the beans right there?
GUNN: Trump.
SAGAL: Yes, Trump. Very good.
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SAGAL: Ever since the now-infamous whistleblower report came out last week, the president and his defenders have been saying, of course, Mr. Trump wasn't really pressuring foreign countries to investigate an opponent. He was just concerned with political corruption. He's always been interested in corruption.
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SAGAL: You could say it's his hobby.
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SAGAL: Why did - I mean, they've been trying so hard to sort of cover all this up. And he just came out and said it. Did some presidential advisers say, we need to go on offense, and the president said, be offensive? Got it.
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BODETT: Right. It's like we haven't even heard from the Democrats, really, because they can't accuse him fast enough.
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BODETT: It's like a cop pulls over a car. He says, you're under arrest for speeding. Oh, I see you have a beer in your hand. You're under arrest for drinking and driving. He's, like, ow, you hit me. You're also under arrest for assaulting an officer. It's just like it just keeps going.
SALIE: Also, my taillight's out.
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HONG: Also, there's a body in the trunk.
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HONG: This has been a very active time for upping my emoji game, though, because I used to only use the peach emoji in exclusively, like, for sexting.
SAGAL: Yes.
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HONG: And now, you know, you put the M and the peach and then the mint leaf next to it.
SALIE: Yeah.
HONG: And that's hot. And then - and also now, I've been using the whistle and, like, a hairdryer. And I'm, like, oh, yeah.
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SAGAL: So you sort of - what you're saying is you're sort of circling back to sexting, actually. Are you...
SALIE: I can't wait to see what you do with that political eggplant.
SAGAL: Yeah.
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SAGAL: Aren't you afraid you're going to get your signals crossed, and the next thing you know, somebody's thinking that it was a hookup, and it was really just the resistance?
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HONG: It's all the same nowadays.
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BODETT: Yeah. You just joined...
SAGAL: You kids.
BODETT: Yup.
SAGAL: All right, Mina. Here is your next quote.
KURTIS: If I had gone to college, my jersey would have been sold all over the place.
SAGAL: That was LeBron James reacting to news that college athletes, at least in California, will soon be able to do what?
GUNN: Have their names printed on their jerseys.
SAGAL: Well, not so much. They already have that. It's a question of...
GUNN: Get money for their merchandise.
SAGAL: That's exactly right...
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SAGAL: ...Make money...
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SAGAL: ...Get endorsements, sell merchandise. California has now passed a law that will allow student athletes to earn money from endorsements and hire agents without losing their amateur status starting in 2023. You can imagine all of them running out to do endorsements. Like, hi, I'm Austin Burton, quarterback at UCLA. And I don't always do Jell-O shots at Tri Kappa Delta, but when I do, I prefer Popov's.
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SALIE: I think it's a great plan because then those athletes can start paying their parents back for spending $500,000 to get them into...
SAGAL: That's exactly right. It's a way of making...
SALIE: This is California.
SAGAL: It's a way of making the bribe money back.
SALIE: Yeah.
SAGAL: Like, Lori Loughlin's daughter is, like, yeah. I'm not really on the swim team. But if I was, I'd use these bathing suits.
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SAGAL: Now, the problem, of course - the reason the NCAA is freaking out about this is California, if they're the only people to do this, will have an advantage in recruitment over every other state. Why should an athlete go play at, say, Auburn for free when they can make bank in California? So say hello to the 2023 national football champion, the Bakersfield College of Cosmetology.
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HONG: They have an amazing ice hockey team.
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SAGAL: Or they will soon. All right, Mina. Your last quote is from Bloomberg commenting on a business that declared bankruptcy this week.
KURTIS: It looks like it might not be forever.
SAGAL: So what clothing company turned out not to last, in fact, forever?
HONG: (Whispering) It's right there in the name.
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SAGAL: There is kind of a hint there.
GUNN: Forever 21?
SAGAL: Forever 21, yeah.
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SAGAL: Forever 21 has been a staple in the fast fashion world since the early 2000s. But Forever 21 - they declared bankruptcy this week. The store was known for selling clothes that, obviously, 21-year-olds might wear like sparkly tube tops, fun graphic T-shirts and whatever they wore the night before, just covered in barf.
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HONG: Hey.
SALIE: Or sparkly barf if it was a good night.
SAGAL: Sparkly barf - exactly.
HONG: Forever 21 was such a rite of passage. Like, you could go there and walk out with, like, 15 things for 60 bucks. And they would last three hours. But at least...
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HONG: ...You looked cute for those three hours.
SAGAL: Yeah. Yeah. It actually - and it was funny because, of course, people were surprised because it looked like such a thriving business. But the company was forced to file for bankruptcy after being put through the washing machine exactly once.
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SALIE: You know what occurs to me? I bet this played a part in their going out of business - is they - you know what vanity sizing is, right? Vanity sizing...
SAGAL: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
SALIE: Yeah - like, at Old Navy, everybody's a negative seven.
SAGAL: Right.
HONG: Yeah.
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HONG: I love that.
SALIE: Right. That's why you shop there. And Forever 21 was forever crushing my self-esteem. They did - I don't know what you call the opposite of vanity sizing.
HONG: That's true.
BODETT: Reality.
HONG: You're right.
SALIE: It ran way small.
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SALIE: Yeah, reality. Yes, it was reality sizing...
BODETT: Which is awful.
SALIE: Nobody wants to shop for reality.
SAGAL: Humiliation sizing...
BODETT: Right.
SAGAL: ...They call it.
BODETT: I mean, who would go - that'd be like me going to Forever 64. Yes.
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BODETT: No way.
SAGAL: By the way, I should say, though, in case you're panicking out there, even though they have declared bankruptcy, it's just the classic reorganization of their debt. The stores will not close. And so it's like - it's almost encouraging - finally, an American company being merely bankrupt instead of morally bankrupt.
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SAGAL: Bill, how did Mina do on our quiz?
KURTIS: Mina did fine. She got finally three right.
SAGAL: Congratulations.
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SAGAL: Well done.
GUNN: Thank you.
SAGAL: Bye-bye.
(SOUNDBITE OF ALL-STAR HAWAIIAN BAND'S "SOPHISTICATED HULA") Transcript provided by NPR, Copyright NPR.