Carley Cotner wants to talk about death — and she wants Bloomington-Normal to join her. She said she took training to become a Death or End-of-Life Doula, so she can host death cafes in town for people who feel the same way.
“I lost a lot of family when I was really young and as I got older it felt very odd to me when friends or partners had the first death in their life, and they didn't know how to cope with that,” Cotner said.
Then, Cotner started working in a nursing home, where she encountered people who wanted — or needed — to talk about death more and more. She said part of her job became comforting families who had loved ones dying.
“There was not a title for that role and there were no set rules to follow but it was something that came very naturally to me knowing the individual who is dying and getting to know their family,” she said. “It was very comfortable and very meaningful to me.”
This, she said, inspired her to become a death doula. She added that her job is not to replace medical professionals or counselors, but to fill a gap that sometimes arises in emotional support for people going through a loss.
She finished online training this year through the International End-of-Life Doula Association to continue that work and hosted her first death cafe Sunday afternoon. Her goal, she said, is to familiarize people with death so it’s not a “scary, looming event.”
“The more comfortable we get, the more we practice discussing death as just part of our life, as the next thing we do, it can make the process easier when we lose someone we love,” Cotner said. “Or when we are the dying person, it can make it easier on our families.”
History of death cafes
Death cafes have been around for several years. Jon Underwood held the first one in the UK in 2011, and Lizzy Miles brought them to the U.S. a year later.
Bloomington-Normal had some of its own death cafes, but they fizzled out during the pandemic.
Now, they’re making a comeback. Cotner is planning to host additional death cafes in the coming months, and the Normal Public Library has started having them as well. Its next one is scheduled for August at the Coffeehouse & Deli in Normal.
Cotner’s Death Cafe
Cotner is co-hosting her death cafes with Kim Hayes, who’s offered up her wellness center — Blooming Life Studio & Spa — in Bloomington as a venue.
“I just knew that this space and the reason the space has been created is to be a center for physical and mental (and) emotional wellness in general,” Hayes said. “Also safe, as in, allowing people to come as they are and speak to their hearts.”
Hayes said her goal is to make the studio free of judgement and fear, so people can come in every so often, partake in coffee or tea, some cookies and talk about death.
On Sunday, a handful of people did just that.
Cotner outlined to the group before conversation started that she didn’t want to steer the conversation toward a specific point. She wanted people to feel comfortable sharing whatever came to mind.
“The goal of the death cafe is not to sell you anything. There's no agenda. I am not here to lead you in any set direction or even really throw much of my opinion out there,” Cotner said to the group as she prepared them for the next hour and a half of discussion.
Attendees explored a range of topics, from how they’d like to die — something sudden, like a plane crash, or a peaceful death at an old age — to end of life planning.
Dezi Palmer said she attended because she had watched Limitless, a Disney+ show where Chris Hemsworth explores humanity’s limits. In the final episode, Hemsworth and his wife are given technology that make them feel the effects of aging.
They’re also introduced to a death doula, Alua Arthur, who helps them tackle the complex emotions associated with that process.
“Seeing people discuss what death would be like and what passing would be like and, you know, being in that head space really was a side I hadn't thought of before with death,” said Palmer.
Then Cotner — who’s dating Palmer’s brother — became a death doula and said she’d be hosting a death café, and Palmer decided it would be an opportunity to have that conversation herself. She said it was encouraging to see other people in the community felt the same way she did, “with questions and fears and watching family members try and process different grief.”
“It's just it's nice to kind of normalize the conversation around death, and I think that's what will bring me back,” she said, adding that it could help her broach the topic with family.
Cotner and Hayes are still planning their next event, but Cotner said she expects it will be sometime in September.
